8 Weeks + 3 Days

13.3.14

8 Weeks. It's been 8 weeks since I last went to work. On Tuesday the Doctor signed me off for 8 more, handing me a sick line with a prescription and a lecture on guilt. "You're unwell," she said. "You wouldn't be this hard on yourself if you were confined to bed with a broken pelvis. Give yourself a break."

So I am. Or I'm trying to, at least.

And so it is that I find myself in a candlelit coffee shop in Ayr, typing this with hands wrapped around a giant mug of latte froth, after my longest of drives to date. I've come here because it's my second home - my old flat in Prestwick just 15 minutes away; the only place I've ever lived without my family. I've come here because I miss it terribly. I've come here because it's safe. 

And I've come here because I've given myself permission to. Permission to shake the heaviness of guilt for the next three days. Permission to walk along beaches and photograph castles and get myself lost in woods. Permission to see no one or perhaps everyone all at once. Permission to curl up in a hotel bed and sleep the afternoon away if that's what I need. Permission just to be. 

I feel like I've been lifting weights and holding my breath for 8 weeks. For the next 3 days, I'm giving myself permission to breathe.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad you've given yourself permission to breathe, and put those weights down. As you know, here in our family we're going through a completely different timescale to "normal" life, due to illness. But what I've learned (i.e. I also keep having to learn it) is that in fact there is only the present moment. I don't know how relevant this is to you, but when my daughter first fell ill, my minister gave me two pieces of advice: don't have a specific idea of how this will all turn out, and *enjoy her*. I have found that so helpful. I'm much less focused on what "should be" happening, more open to the idea that God's plans and God's time ARE happening right now, and I'm much more able to really experience the happiness that there is here and now, the way things are. Those were the weights that I had to put down in order to breathe.
    I really hope that you'll have found nourishment and replenishment in your days away. As I say to my daughter, remember that the commandment is as much to love ourselves as our neighbour. Take good care. I'm keeping you in my prayers. Light and healing is coming your way.

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