A third of the year has passed by the time May begins, but it feels a third of a lifetime since January - so much has changed since.
I start the month on that new shore - my new home - with the hospital ward no longer a place I must visit. I have been discharged. I am free!
I have a new place now to be: my own space - my own tenancy - but with people still on hand to support me. I am an alien in unfamiliar territory - the silence deafens me; the space disorientates me; this is new ground and it will take some time to navigate it properly - but it is mine and it is a million miles from hospital and, for now, that is more than enough for me.
I throw myself into making it feel like home; into gradually rebuilding a life I can inhabit properly. There are a million support sessions and appointments to attend - a sea of new faces to meet - but I get to know them, slowly, and they begin to get to know me. I join a walking group and we pile into buses and take to the hills - the fresh air and change of scene a welcome reprieve in the middle of the week. I join a writing group and find surprising enjoyment in letting my guard down creatively. I catch up with friends and spend time with family; binge on Netflix and crochet; try to run again - not always successfully!
Old habits die hard and I find myself reaching for bad ones, in the midst of everything - a security blanket wrapped tightly around me. They are painfully irritating - not at all comforting, really - but for a while I am consumed by their familiarity: something known to cling to in the midst of so much change. I know that shaking them will take hard work in the coming days. I am a little bit afraid.
But as the month comes to a close, I try to give myself a break from both this unfamiliar planet and my head full of worries. I hop on a plane to Spain and focus on relaxing and enjoying myself for a week. There are mornings swimming laps around the pool and afternoons spent lapping up ice-cream; there are days exploring new cities and evenings quizzing and cooking Spanish feasts; there is a solid dose of Vitamin D and, most of all, a welcome break from my routine. I am hopeful that the pause will help things settle, but I go into it knowing that, if not, it can wait 'til I get home. "Home!" That wonderful word that I can once again claim as my own!
xo
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